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Yelling!!! or Screaming!!! Does it help?

Marisca Uitenweerde
Marisca Uitenweerde

If you’re a parent, you know that sometimes emotions get the best of you. Somehow children can really push those buttons you didn’t know you had. And before you know it, you scream from the top of your lungs.

Please note:  These are just general observations. Every case is unique. Please seek the help of a trained mental health professional if you have any concerns.

Why do parents/caretakers or teachers yell?

The short answer is because we feel overwhelmed or angry, which makes us raise our voices. That rarely helps the situation. It may quiet the children and make them obedient for a short while, but it won’t make them correct their behavior or their attitudes.

In short, it teaches them to fear you rather than understand the consequences of their actions.

Children rely on their parents for learning. If anger and associated aggression like yelling or shouting is part of what a child perceives as “normal” in their family, their behavior will reflect that.

Author and parent educator Laura Markham, Ph.D., has a straightforward message: Your number one job as a parent, after assuring the safety of your children, is to manage your own emotions.

The effects of yelling

If you’ve ever been yelled at, you know that a loud voice does not make the message clearer. Your children are no different. Shouting will make them tune out and discipline will be harder, since each time you raise your voice lowers their receptivity.

Recent researchTrusted Source points out that yelling makes children more aggressive, physically and verbally. Yelling in general, no matter what the context, is an expression of anger. It scares children and makes them feel insecure.

Calmness, on the other hand, is reassuring, which makes children feel loved and accepted in spite of bad behaviour.

If yelling at children is not a good thing, yelling that comes with verbal putdowns and insults can be qualified as emotional abuse. It’s been shown to have long-term effects, like anxiety, low self-esteem, and increased aggression.

It also makes children more susceptible to bullying since their understanding of healthy boundaries and self-respect are skewed.

Alternatives to raising your voice

1.  Use consequences, but leave out the threats

According to Barbara Coloroso, author of “Kids Are Worth It!,” using threats and punishment creates more angry feelings, resentment, and conflict. In the long run, they prevent your child from developing inner discipline.

Threats humiliate and shame children, making them feel insecure. On the other hand, consequences that address a particular behavior but come with fair warning (like taking a toy away after explaining that toys are for playing, not for hitting) help children make better choices.

2. Address bad behavior calmly, but firmly

Children misbehave occasionally. That’s part of growing up. Talk to them in a firm way that leaves their dignity intact but makes it clear that certain behaviors are not tolerated.

Get down to their eye level rather than speaking to them from high up or from far away. At the same time, remember to acknowledge respectful behavior and problem solving among themselves.

What to do if YOU yell?

No matter how good your yelling prevention strategy is, sometimes you will raise your voice. That’s OK. Own up to it and apologize, and your children will learn an important lesson: We all make mistakes and we need to apologize.

If your children yell, remind them of boundaries and how shouting is not an acceptable way of communication. They need to know you are ready to listen as long as they show respect.

Model the same by allowing yourself time to cool off your engines before talking to your children when you are upset or overwhelmed.

You will help them create lifelong habits that make conflict management easier. That will teach your children to be understanding of mistakes, theirs and other people’s, and that forgiveness is an important tool for healthy communication in a family.

If so far you have relied on yelling to discipline your children, you are probably seeing the effects of it:

  • Your children might rely on yelling to get their messages across to each other.
  • They talk back and even yell at you rather than just talk respectfully.
  • Your relationship with them is unstable and volatile to the point of not being able to communicate in a healthy way.
  • They may pull away from you and become more influenced by their peers than you.

Now go back and read “Why do parents/caretakers or teachers yell?” – again.

Source: https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/yelling-at-kids#why-parents-yell